Grief. A process I can’t describe but here, for you, I’ll try. There’s a layer of numbness wrapped around me like a glove and it is ever present. It’s almost like a band holding me together, so I don’t fall apart. It restricts the giant chasm at the core of my being, attempting to keep it from growing. Sometimes I’m conscious of it but most times I’m oblivious.
This numbing band is what helps me make it through the day without actively thinking about making it through the day without thinking about you.
I keep my mind busy with noise – a senseless and endless stream of chatter: music, podcasts, audiobooks, phone conversations, text messages, television, movies…No silence because in the silence I have to face the reality that you are gone.
On occasion, depending on where I am, what I am doing, or who I am with, I can feel the band relax. It’s tightness loosening as it slightly lifts up off my heart, throat, lungs, and body. Releasing me and somehow magically, nay miraculously, I’m still able to keep my shape. Instead of oozing out of a mold like spilled liquid, this person or action or outing keeps my mind busy so the gaping whole at the center of my body does not expand.
I recognize these moments. Taking note of who I’m with, what I’m doing, how I feel…not quite myself but, at least, human again. All in hopes of recreating this.
I treasure these moments. Currently, they are as essential to my existence as the very breath I breathe, the water I drink, giving me new hope that this will not forever be my constant state of being. But, this too shall pass.
Then when the moment is gone, the band contracts, once again holding me in place.
It has gotten easier not to dwell on it every day
Easier to not be triggered by every little thing
But my whole heart still hurts when I think of you, see your face, remember your voice
My eyes well up with tears and my nose begins to burn – a sure sign it’s turning as red as the fire inside my soul yearning to be put out, for the pain to lesson, for the grief to settle.
When I feel this way, I remember and cling to my moments ?
Expectantly waiting for the storm to pass and to welcome the numbness once again.