I can understand banning Beloved,
a novel that inappropriately emphasizes the unpleasant aspects of slavery
and causes our precious delicate darlings to suffer
feelings of discomfort
and even nightmares.
That is completely uncalled for.
American history is a four-hundred-year saga of nice people doing nice things
and it should be taught in a nice way
with no discomfort,
no nightmares,
and no Beloved.
And I can understand banning Maus,
a book replete with profanity, nudity, violence, and suicide.
There’s no need for profanity, nudity, violence, or suicide
in a book about the Holocaust.
The Holocaust was about evil Gazpacho Police forcing innocent people to wear masks.
A crime against humanity, to be sure,
or at least a crime against the inalienable right to spread infectious diseases,
but, nevertheless, a crime that can be taught tastefully,
without profanity,
without nudity,
without violence,
without suicide,
without Maus.
But banning I Need a New Butt?
No, now you have gone too far.
How can you expect our kids to sit
quietly at their desks and learn
if they don’t have a proper butt
upon which to sit?
Madam Superintendent of Schools,
you need a new brain.
Yours has a crack in it.
