Recently, Domestic Violence Survivors have been bombarded with headlines covering the conflict between actress Blake Lively and director Justin Baldoni, with Lively accusing the It Ends With Us director of sexual harassment and Baldoni counter-suing that she has ruined his reputation with false accusations. Ironically, this happened around the filming of a movie centered on DV. A story showcasing the tenacity of a survivor is now the representation of all the types of gaslighting a victim goes through. From being charmed, to questioning if what you concluded is the truth, or is it manipulation created to blind you.
Lively infamously promoted the film by urging fans to “Grab Your Friends, Wear Your Florals,” making the movie sound like an enjoyable romcom. This opened an avalanche of criticism from DV survivors who had felt unseen by the film production. Through the initial complaint we learned that Sony created a marketing plan said to “[f]ocus more on Lily’s strength and resilience as opposed to describing the film as a story about domestic violence…[a]void talking about this film that makes it feel sad or heavy [sic] – it’s a story of hope.” However, the plan failed to address the risk of avoiding the dark subject that encompass the plot. This put many real life DV victims in jeopardy. Promoting the film with no trigger warning or a hint at the dire turn of events about to take place and sell it as a romantic story landed the film in the existing predicament of romanticizing abuse.
The promo trailer had clips of bubbly fans in floral cocktail dresses excitingly inviting everyone to fall in love with the movie. From a plethora of lavish attire adorned with flowers that the lead actresses would parade, to VIP’s making floral arrangements inspired by a booze brand. The pinnacle came at the premiere’s afterparty, where cocktail drinks named after the main characters were the spotlight. Ignoring the fact that 2/3 of victims’ abusers were drinking at the time of the incident, as was my case, or that women who are abused are 15x more likely to abuse alcohol. No time was spent on sharing a supportive connection to resonate the continuous promo line being marketed that patterns can break us.
Nearly every 1 in 2 women and more than 2 in 5 men experience intimate partner violence in their lifetime. That means millions of romances end up in abuse year after year, either by falling prey to the charms of an evil person or simply falling for an unhealthy soul. The truth is that the majority of victims are genuinely enamored initially. It was easy for me to share the blooming love full of sweet photos and dates but when it withered into abuse, I became silent. As if silence would somehow prune the pain away.
Two decades after my arranged marriage that landed me in a hospital, and a decade after my second marriage that left me homeless with a baby, neither my parents nor my sisters have an idea of the brutalities I survived. That I know what an unexpected punch in the gut from a 250-pound man feels like. Thinking you’re dying on the floor as you endure the panic cries of your abuser. To be picked up by the throat and slammed unto a bed with 250 pounds on you or strangled until blue when you dared to disagree.
To be kidnapped for nearly two days as your baby cries for hours but having no neighbor call the police though your back hits the wall repeatedly as you’re thrown. To the surreal experience of having a camera flash a foot away from your face to capture your injuries for the police report that never gets prosecuted. I carry dozens of stories, and scars on my body, but this is the first time I share that part I lived. We hide our pain as proven by the fact that half of all DV cases never get reported. But that doesn’t dissipate the triggering power a reminder even that on a film can wreak. As Bessel would attest, the mind indeed does keep the score.
Beyond the critique of the author and marketing plans lies the question on what responsibility does an actor or director hold when portraying such a serious topic. When interpreting a traumatic subject that is so unreported but affects millions in secret and leads some to their death, should the voice of a real survivor be incorporated or the expertise of a support specialist be utilized as much as any other coordinator on set?
The movie does end with a positive twist once Lily’s baby is born but annually between 3 to 10 million children in the US alone end up witnessing domestic violence and 3,000 of them witness the murder of one of their parents. Lily thankfully survived but thousands upon thousands lose their lives in the hands of their partner every single year. Harsh truths but the reality is for some, like me, it ends with their baby diagnosed with selective mutism as you both battle CPTSD. For others, it ends with sleeping with your baby in a pest-infested motel room surrounded by drug dealers, because there are no shelter beds available. It always ends in brokenness, before you are mended.
Avoidance of this “heavy” subject led many to innocently think they were watching the promos of the latest romcom. Imagine thinking you’re about to watch a sweet story with your spouse, or worse, with a brand-new relationship only to be triggered a third of the way into the movie. Taken to the darkest corners of your mind where painful memories are tucked away. To get brutally yanked into scenes reminiscent of what you sought hard to forget when you had only wished to watch love sprouting on screen. No consideration for audience goers who had just left an abuser or who might be at this minute in an abusive relationship building strength to leave
See we don’t want to bring attention to ourselves as we suffer in silence. Even upon escaping we wear black or use it as a symbol of all we are mourning. That lack of color is also an important part of a survivor. I went from wearing vivid pastels to feeling triggered when I tried to incorporate colors. It took many years and a healthy relationship to slowly add bold and bright colored earrings my now husband buys me to wear among the black canvas that has become my look. A reminder that healthy love can exist, and kind souls do come to us. A glimpse of hope in small trinkets that signify breaking even my own patterns. Small actions like those make us feel seen.
After the outcry over the deceptive marketing, a promo finally included a DV agency which was promoted as a tool for those being abused along with a guide of what a healthy relationship looks like. Turns out it does end with us, for we break the patterns by learning what we should walk away from. No survivor easily bounces back, just as no victim easily walks away from an abuser but respect should be given to both by including a lived expert when telling their story. So may this chaos leave storytellers with the message that survivors will stand with those who genuinely see us.
