I have a weird hobby. Occasionally, I like to read up on successful people. Not necessarily what they’re doing now, but who they were before they became successful. What their lives were like. And what I’ve found is that oftentimes, these people have had very stable and supportive partners. (This is, of course, before they frequently leave those supportive partners for someone younger who would have never been interested in them sans their achievements [read: money] but I digress). I’ve often found that either in addition to, or in lieu of, they have a parent that is blindly supportive. Borderline obsessed. And what this has led me to think about is the security that exists in support from the person closest to you in your life.
Something that isn’t talked about frequently enough, in my opinion, is the fact that high levels of success are almost always preceded by a string of failures. And failure, particularly in the perception of those around us, is a very scary prospect for many human beings.
It makes me wonder: if you have someone who loves you no matter what, and believes in you no matter what, is it easier to fail?
There are, of course, those who fall on the exact opposite end of the spectrum. They had absolutely no support and no love from the parental figures in their lives. And, in an odd way, I think it had a similar effect. There was no one to disappoint. There was no love to be taken away or withheld in the face of failure. No silent treatment. No avoidance of eye contact. (Just me?)
But, for many of us, we had a lot of lukewarm support. Parents who loved us sometimes but also were very critical and withheld that love at other times. One parent who was very loving and supportive, and another who was pretty narcissistic and exhibited the strangest, unpredictably erratic behavior. And we often ended up in similar romantic partnerships later on; those where the behavior was erratic, and the love and support were used as a tool of manipulation. (Which could also be because we came to believe that this is what love looked like, but that’s another article.) Did this perhaps train us to believe that we only received love when we were perceptively successful? And, therefore, create in us a terror that any form of visible failure would lead to love being taken away?
Most things I find come back to love and money. And money is really just paper, so when I say money, I’m referring more to the security it provides. But I also believe that an unconditional love, an attitude from a partner or a parent of “we can figure this out no matter what, I believe in you,” can substitute for that same security that money itself provides. Which is perhaps why success seems to come more easily to those who believe they have it?
What would life be like if we all truly believed we would be loved no matter what? Would we all be wildly successful beyond our wildest dreams?
I think we might.
