Civil War

North against South
brother against—

So on and so forth…

A war by proxy
is still a war

4,000,000¹ Koreans dead
approx.

Call it genocide
by proxy

If a war by proxy
is still a war worth
dying for—

37,000² Americans killed
approx.

another 3100³ UN forces
killed

900,000⁴ Chinese
killed

All in all
over 5,000,000⁵ dead approx.

orphan⁶ (ôrfən)
n.

1. • A child whose parents are dead.
   • A child who has been deprived of parental care and has not been adopted.
2. A young animal that has been prematurely separated from its parents or its mother.

In 1951,
only one year
into the war
there were approx.

100,000⁷ orphaned children
across the entire Korean Peninsula

By 1953,
there were approx.

516,000⁸ across the peninsula,
now split in two

As the late great
Louis Armstrong

once sang—
Takes two to tango

By 1953,
there were approx.

350,000⁹ Korean
sex workers

south of the
DMZ

many living
and working

in camptowns
providing comfort¹⁰

to foreign¹¹ soldiers

some were abducted
some were drugged

some were told they
would be waitresses

some were orphans
themselves

They called those babies—
Ameriasian

By 1965
there were approx.

12,380 mixed-race¹² orphans

born of war,
scattered

south of the
DMZ

In 1955,
evangelicals¹³ arrived at

Portland International Airport
with eight – – – . . mixed-race orphans

“Fear not: for I am with thee:
I will bring thy seed from the East…

Bring my sons from far, and my daughters
from the ends of the earth…”¹⁴

By 1978,
approx.

4,494¹⁵ mixed-race
orphans

had been adopted
abroad

What began as
a rescue mission

then turned into
an industry—

200,000¹⁶ Korean adoptees
approx.

By 2004,
there were approx.

30,000¹⁷ designated
as [abandoned]

some were [relinquished]
some were [found]

some were [abducted]
some were [bought] with bribes

call it fraud
call it doctoring

call it falsifying documents
call it playing fast and loose

with subjective objective
truths

Between 1970 and 1979
there were approx.

46,035¹⁸ Korean adoptees
sent overseas

Between 1980 and 1989
adoption peaked at

65,511¹⁹ approx.

By this time,
most adoptees

were considered to be
fully Korean

some were [relinquished] some came from Seoul
some were [found] some came from Daegu

some were [abducted] some came from Busan
some were [bought] with bribes some came from places

they’ll never get a chance to know…

From 1990 to 1999
there were approx.

22,925²⁰ Korean adoptees
sent overseas

some were [relinquished] some became French
some were [found] some became Swedish

some were [abducted] some became American
some were [bought] with bribes or at least they

tried to be…

And in 1994,
there were

2,290²¹ Korean adoptees
approx.

close to a dozen arrived
at LaGuardia Airport

on the 28th
of January

and one of them…

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²²

Notes

On “Circumstantial Evidence.” The poem is structured as a statistical narrative timeline. It begins by tracing the number of casualties throughout the Korean War, then pivots to tracking the number of adoptions over the many decades following.

While certain facts about the Korean War are common knowledge, the statistical data is based on estimates that have been heavily disputed by scholars and governments alike. Most of the statistical data comes from the following sources:

1. Hahn, Bae-Ho, Kwang-Rin Lee, et al. “Korea | History, Peninsula, Rulers, and Facts.”
   Encyclopedia Britannica, 21 Sept. 2024, www.britannica.com/place/Korea/Armistice-and-aid.
2. Lopez, C. Todd. “Families of Service Members Gone Missing in Action Get Answers at
   Annual Briefing.” U.S. Department of Defense, 15 Aug. 2024, www.defense.gov/News/News-Stories/Article/Article/3875464/families-of-service-members-gone-missing-in-action-get-answers-at-annual-briefi/.
3. United Nations Command. “United Nations Command > Organization > Contributors.”
   United Nations Command, www.unc.mil/Organization/Contributors.
4. Mao Zedong’s “Order to the Chinese People’s Volunteers,” 1950 | US-China Institute.
   china.usc.edu/mao-zedongs-order-chinese-peoples-volunteers-1950.
5. Korean War – Go for Broke. (n.d.-b).

   Cumings, Bruce (2011). The Korean War: A History. Modern Library. P.
   35. ISBN 9780812978964.

6. Publishers, HarperCollins. The American Heritage Dictionary Entry: Orphan.
   www.ahdictionary.com/word/search.html?q=orphan.
7. Korean adoption history”, in Eleana Kim (ed.), Community. Guide to Korea for overseas
   adopted Koreans, Seoul: Overseas Koreans Foundation, 2004, pp. 12-19+25-47. (edited article)
8. Ibid.
9. Cho, Grace M. (2008). Haunting the Korean diaspora : shame, secrecy, and the forgotten
   war. Minneapolis: University of Minnesota Press. ISBN 9780816666461. OCLC 311053574.
10. Lie, John. “The Transformation of Sexual Work in 20th-Century Korea.” Gender and Society, vol. 9, no. 3, 1995, pp. 310–27. JSTOR, http://www.jstor.org/stable/190058. Accessed 30 Sept. 2024.
11. Sang-Hun, Choe. “A Brutal Sex Trade Built for American Soldiers” NY Times (New
    York) 2 Mar. 2024, https://www.nytimes.com/2023/05/02/world/asia/korea-us-comfort-women-sexual-slavery.html
12. Doolan, Yuri W., ‘The Second Rescue’, The First Amerasians: Mixed Race Koreans from
    Camptowns to America (2024; online edn, Oxford Academic, 21 Mar. 2024), https://doi.org/10.1093/oso/9780197534380.003.0006, accessed 26 Sept. 2024.
13. Hurh, Won Moo. 1972. “Marginal children of war: An exploratory study of
    American-Korean children”. International Journal of Sociology of the Family 2 (3): 10-20.
14. Holt, Bertha | Women of the Hall. https://www.womenofthehall.org/inductee/bertha-holt/
    “Stork Announcement for Holt Family Adoptions | Smithsonian Institution.” Smithsonian Institution, www.si.edu/object/stork-announcement-holt-family-adoptions:nmah_1296338.
15. Kim, Chin, and Timothy G. Carroll. “Intercountry Adoption of South Korean Orphans: A
    Lawyer’s Guide.” Journal of Family Law 14, no. 2 (1975)
16. Tong-Hyung, Kim, and Claire Galofaro. “South Koreans Adopted as Babies Are
    Discovering Lies From Their Past | AP News.” AP News, 19 Sept. 2024, apnews.com/article/south-korea-international-adoption-fraud-investigation-e4e7d4b8823212e3b260517c5128cd66.
17. Hübinette, Tobias. (PDF) “Appendix – Table 3. Family Background of adopted Koreans,
    1958-2004”, Comforting an Orphaned Nation : Representations of International Adoption and Adopted Koreans in Korean Popular Culture, Departmental of Oriental Languages, Stockholm University, 14 July 2015,
18. Hübinette, Tobias. (PDF) “Appendix – Table 1. Number of international adoptions from
    Korea, 1953-2004”, Comforting an Orphaned Nation : Representations of International Adoption and Adopted Koreans in Korean Popular Culture, Departmental of Oriental Languages, Stockholm University, 14 July 2015, www.researchgate.net/publication/277993137_Comforting_an_orphaned_nation_Representations_of_international_adoption_and_adopted_Koreans_in_Korean_popular_culture.
19. Ibid.
20. Ibid.
21. Idid.
22. The last line of the poem appears as the final footnote.

“Stay small, stay still, and stay silent,” she whispered, her fingernails digging into my left upper arm, branding me with a criss-cross scar and a lifetime mantra. 

Gratitude arrived with me to America as my steadfast companion, and the universal glorification of my adoption by others only fortified her strength. Family, friends, and strangers would see me beside my white family and immediately say, “Aren’t you the luckiest?” They consumed the story of my adoption as if it were pulled from the pages of a Disney storybook, swooning over how I had been plucked from the streets of a war-torn, peasant country and dropped into the American dream. This only strengthened the grapple of Gratitude, as every comment made it clear to me that there was no space to feel anything but grateful in this fairy tale.

So, I marched forward at the urging of Gratitude’s saber, heeding her advice no matter what happened and no matter how much I hurt. When my mother threw words like punches to my face, her knockout blow, “You ungrateful, bitch,” leaving me flat on my back every time, I stayed small. When my sister, fighting against the Gratitude of her own adoption, ran wild against our family, I stayed still. And when I squeezed my eyes shut in our family’s shed with that man at six years old I stayed silent.

In all of these moments, Gratitude wriggled uncomfortably, but never relented in her dogma. She coiled around my neck, and murmured lovingly, “Remember, you are one of the lucky ones.” I believed her and, as a result, shame multiplied inside me, rotting me black to my core, because I sure as hell did not feel lucky in those moments. 

By the time I reached adulthood, Gratitude had oozed into the sinew of my muscles and leached into the marrow of my bones. Breaking free from her would have required the extermination of myself. The perverseness of Gratitude is that though I suffered so much carrying her weight, I also benefited. She made me a determined perfectionist, an accomplished student, and a fastidious lawyer. The world loved who she made me. I loved who she made me. So, I surrendered to her. 

I preached the benefits of Gratitude, the abundance of amenability, the beauty in self-sacrifice. I worked myself relentlessly in Gratitude’s name. And, naturally, I followed that path right back to adoption, a wellspring of Gratitude, and adopted two sons. At first, I relished the role as an adoptive parent. I let people tell my sons how lucky they were and let them tell me how wonderful of an adoptee I was to pay my good fortune forward. I squeezed the venom of Gratitude, drop by drop, into my sons’ fragile veins.  

My sons and I could have easily continued this pattern of infection, Gratitude beaming beside me like a proud Korean halmoni, doting on her grandchildren with her warm smile and firm hold. But my sons possessed an unrelenting resilience and resolute belief in their right to express their pain. They wailed with anger, they fought with hate, and they mourned the loss of their birth family, their foster family, their language, their culture, their country, and, mostly, their innocence. And rather than ignoring, punishing, or explaining away their behavior, I allowed their siren calls to awaken the little girl who lived in me before she was stifled by Gratitude. 

Now, as I grow my own stunted self alongside my sons, free from the grip of Gratitude, I think about how many of us are struggling with its pervasiveness. For those of us who have been bullied by Gratitude, the noble expectation to bear loss with a smile, to bear pain in silence, and to be grateful for what we have overcome leaves us feeling entirely unseen. 

Sometimes I miss Gratitude’s company and the world she built for me, the one where things were simple, where adoption was simple, where my life as an adoptee and adoptive parent made inherent moral sense. I miss her approval, her pride, and her simple life motto. But anytime I am tempted to slip back into her warm grasp, I rub the scar on my left arm, the one she left the day I arrived on American soil, and I walk the other way. 

Somehow out of hundreds I was chosen
Given a purple dress and hope
I flew to the United States, to my new home
Yet still, I was invisible

Rejected by them
I was different, I did not belong they said
I left confused and alone
Again, I was invisible

Placed into a new home
It was wild, full and so many around
19 kids, all different, yet all the same
Yet still, I was invisible

At seventeen, I left rejected again
Never was a child, but not yet grown
I made my way into the world alone
Yet in the sea of white faces, I was invisible

College, work and marriage
I found my way bit by bit
Determined and bright, driven and successful
Yet in the sea of white faces, I was invisible

Why was equality so hard?
Why was inclusion so evasive?
I did everything right, yet I was not right
I was not white

Then came 2020
The mourning of Black lives lost
The accountability in unified voices
Say Their Names

Through Black Lives Matter
This “Model Minority” was given a voice
I made a choice to speak and be seen
I was invisible no more, no more
I am Free.

This written confession
is being penned in real time
to be shared immediately with other adoptees.
Those that feel the heat even in the shade.
There is so much to say as I see you.
You remind me by just showing up,
who I am and I am forgetful.
Perhaps another piece of evidence?
Who questions the non-adopted?
For me it is a blurry reflection in the mirror.
It is a forever fear of doing it wrong,
saying it incorrectly,
confusing everyone’s name, birthday
and who or what really matters?
Where does this clue, piece, face fit?
How did I function,
brown eyes in a blue-eyed family?
I did.
I loved.
I grew.
I married.
We multiplied,
brown eyes,
beautiful, long lashed.
Is this where adoption ends and family begins?
I did love before!
What have I learned besides gratitude?
Does adopted legacy have memory?
Is narrative inheritance a biological luxury?
Maybe I now cast a bigger, grown up shadow
or have more darkness
experience a different disappearing.
Which family tree envelopes history?
Which branches shelter me?
Still being invited and completely left out.

Can I trust you?
Will you listen if all I say is black ink on a white page?
Certainly, you can read.
Can you see me?
Do I even have your attention?
Can I write this into making sense?
I can so quickly forget who I am
what I am capable of.
Thank you for listening.
I am grateful even if I didn’t welcome the questions.
It is not like me to take a stand and draw attention.
This life work has been adoption’s homework.
To come forward if only for a little while,
to the edge of one life
and beginning of another.
We exist everywhere
and nowhere together.
I am me
and the memory of someone else.
Most days I forget which is expected.
The world says either is not quite enough.
In reality, I have so much to offer,
but please don’t tell anyone what I’ve told you.
Can this be just between us?

Hello readers.  This writing is basically a paper lifted from my Master of Social Work graduate school professional seminar in child trauma.  I hope to disseminate this information widely in various ways, especially due to the recent overturning of to Roe v. Wade, 410 U.S. 113 (1973) and the rising argument that the simple answer to children born to those who did not intend on having them is adoption.  This paper is personal; my positionality is that of a female, an adopted person, adopted in infancy, and a clinical social worker working with the adopted population.  Side note regarding language: I am aware of the ever-changing and evolving use of adoption language.  In this article I chose to use language for clarity, and mean no offense.  If the language is outdated or harmful, please do reach out and let me know.  Thank you for reading.

DISCUSSION

Permanent physical separation between birthing mothers from their babies is commonly referred to as “relinquishment” in the context of adoption. This discussion article will explore developmental effects of relinquishment occurring at birth and in the early days of an infant’s life.  Examination of neurological, attachment, and developmentally positive outcomes attained through maintaining physical interactions between mothers and their infants during the first hours and days of infant life sheds light on what is missed if a separation occurs.  Contrary to conventional beliefs and attitudes that a baby will not remember or be affected by early life experiences, the neurological impacts of stress in very early life such as relinquishment should be re-framed, acknowledged, and understood as a form of developmental trauma.

The Issue

In general, there is a misconception in conventional attitudes that young children cannot and will not remember traumas experienced in their first few years of life. It is commonly believed that children “removed at birth may be spared the impact of ACES” (Anthony, Paine & Shelton, 2019) and although adoptions that take place at an earlier age are often associated with better outcomes (Perry, Hambrick & Perry, 2014), adoptees who experience relinquishment at all ages are vastly overrepresented in mental health and substance abuse clinics, are at higher risk for mood disorders, mental health issues, and are four times more likely to commit suicide than non-adoptees (Sunderland, 2019).  Adoptees are an unrecognized marginalized group deserving of specialized services that are currently lacking.  This article strives to debunk the myth that even when placed into the best of circumstances, adoptees separated from their birth mothers in early life face challenges with long lasting developmental, emotional, and behavioral consequences.

A Little History – From 1937 to 1965, the number of adoptions in America grew from 8,000 to over 70,000 due to the fact that newborns, as opposed to older children, became available (Fessler, 2006).  Prior to Roe v. Wade, 410 U.S. 113 (1973), now overturned, doctors often issued orders for birthing mothers surrendering their babies not to see their children (Fessler, 2006).  In some instances, birthing mothers were allowed to hold their babies for moments, and the majority were advised that it was against policy (Fessler, 2006).  In extreme cases birthing mothers were drugged at the time of delivery, awoke post-delivery, and were forbidden to make any contact with their baby out of fear that a bond would be initiated (Fessler, 2006).  Protocol sometimes allowed for brief moments of visitation, followed by the baby being taken by a social worker to a foster care family or facility until they were adopted (Fessler, 2006). Now that Roe v. Wade has been overturned, this article is of utmost prevalence.

In present day there is often no waiting period at all between the actual birth and placing a newborn into the arms of an adoptive family (Finn, Silverstein & Bodie, 2019).  Birthing processes are unique and varied depending on the pre-arrangements and wishes of the birthing mother and adoptive family.  In open adoptions some birth mothers are given the opportunity to pump breast milk for their babies, while in closed adoptions birth mothers have little to no contact with the child or family after giving birth (Finn, Silverstein & Bodie, 2019).  Noteworthy to mention is the overwhelming body of evidence that both birth mothers and adopted children/adults involved in open adoptions fair better in the areas of mental health, well-being, and productivity than those in closed adoptions (Grotevant, McRoy, Wrobel, & Ayers-Lopez, 2013).

Science and Brain Development

Research in animal studies conducted over the past 40 years finds that early life stressors “can alter key neural networks in, and functioning of, the developing brain” (Hambrick, Brawner & Perry, 2019: 2; Bath et al., 2013; Bedrosian et al., 2018).  Because “brain organization occurs most rapidly in the first days to first week of life” (Hambrick et al., 2019: 1), denying a newborn the familiar, regulating milieu associated with smells, tastes, movement, and sounds of its birth mother affects the foundational organization of core regulatory networks that form the backbone of the stress response.

The limbic system, which monitors danger, is developing immediately after birth at a rapid rate in all mammals (Van der Kolk, 2015).  In a healthy environment where a baby feels safety and love, neurons will fire in a manner that creates a brain wired for exploration, play, and cooperation; whereas an environment of neglect inducing fear and feelings of abandonment or being unwanted produces a brain wired to manage abandonment and fear (Van der Kolk, 2015; Perry, 2003).  The use dependent manner and neuroplasticity in early brain development affects the ability to form emotional relationships, which are critical to the outcome and ability to form healthy relationships later in life, and become mentally healthy (Perry, 2001).

The most rapid ex-utero brain growth occurs during the first two months of human life (Hambrick et al., 2019).  Severe early life stressors occurring during the 0-2 month period of life prove to be risk factors for self-regulatory functions such as “sleep, arousal, attention/tracking, primary sensory integration, affect mood/regulation,” (Hambrick et al., 2019) and chronic health and behavioral issues.  Because the brain is rapidly organizing in the first days and week of life, particular attention must be paid to the fact that the neurodevelopmental systems organize at unique rates and times; the timing of an early life stressor may provide disproportionately different outcomes (Hambrick et al., 2019).  Impaired bonding between infant and mother such as relinquishment should be viewed as an early life stressor.  The timing, length, and severity of impaired bonding will influence the degree to which the amygdala, limbic system, and long-term programming of hormonal systems affect a developing human’s emotions and functioning (Perry, 2001).

Oxytocin

Oxytocin is a nine amino acid peptide paracrine hormone and neurotransmitter system activator that brings about feelings of well-being, anti-stress, lowers pain sensitivity, decreases inflammation, and is a stimulus for both growth and healing (Moberg & Prime, 2013).  Oxytocin has a short half-life, but because it neuromodulates other hormonal systems within the brain, its effects can last long after its release (Buckley, 2015).

Oxytocin is instrumental in the development of use and state dependent functioning (Perry, 2001) as it has the power to wire the brain for both positive and negative associations in the brain (Northwestern University, 2013).  Experiments on mice found that “after a negative social experience the oxytocin triggers anxiety and fear in a new stressful situation” (Northwestern University, 2013: 2) indicating that oxytocin is involved in both the pleasure and stress responses.

In Utero

One can argue that attachment begins in utero.  Utero sets the stage for familiarity, comfort, soothing, and a sense of safety.  In utero the fetus becomes accustomed to ingesting the foods that its mother eats, the movements and rhythms of the mother’s gait and life, and the sounds of the mother, other people close to the expecting mother, and all environmental sounds in the mother’s life.  At 16 weeks of life, a fetus begins to hear sounds both from the outside world such as music and voices (Gordon, 2013) and the heartbeat of their mother.

One area that is understudied is how the stress of an expectant mother hormonally affects the development of a fetus and newborn.  Exposure to the mother’s hormonal stress and other teratogens directly relate to emotional, attachment, cognitive, behavioral, social and physiological issues (Perry et al., 2014).

Birth

Allowing for physiologic and salutogenic childbearing facilitates positive hormonal system outcomes for both women and babies (Buckley, 2015).  In utero babies are swimming, weightless, and impervious to gravity.  As Van der Kolk points out, being mobile, and “able to protect oneself is a critical factor in determining whether or not a horrible experience will leave long-lasting scars” (Van der Kolk, 2015, p.55).  At and during birth infants shift from a floating body in amniotic fluid to immobile, weighted by gravity beings.  Interestingly, higher levels of oxytocin are found in infants who experience vaginal births than cesarean births (Moberg & Prime, 2013) suggesting that a vaginal birth may more “stressful” to the newborn, and possibly better prepare it for the sudden drastic change of environment and immobility of gravity.  Any state of hyperarousal and prolonged trauma fuels the necessity for soothing (Van der Kolk, 2015).

Infant oxytocin production is triggered by the sight, smell, touch, and sounds of the birthmother (Moberg & Prime, 2013).  Research shows that infants have preferences for their own mother’s voice and breast milk over other voices and other breast milk when offered a choice (LifeWorksCommunity, 2015), suggesting that infants can sense the difference between caregivers and their biological mothers.  One could assume that the infant feels soothed by the voice of its biological mother. Physical separation at birth can cause disruptions to attachment, reward, and regulation and even infant survival (Buckley, 2015) due to the lack of familiar sounds, smells, and movements of the mother.  Changes to brain development regarding language heard in utero versus post birth placement (relevant in intercountry adoption) have not been studied.

Skin-to-Skin

Benefits of skin-to-skin contact in the first hour or so after birth include peak oxytocin activity, increased contractions reducing postpartum risk of hemorrhage, and vasodilation of the birthing mother’s chest which creates natural warming for the baby (Buckley, 2015).  Skin-to-skin contact activates hormones that increase biological bonding, and lower maternal and newborn stress (Buckley, 2015).  “The hour or so after physiologic birth is a sensitive period, when skin-to-skin maternal-newborn interactions foster peak oxytocin activity” (Buckley, 2015: 5).

In animal studies, even brief repetitious separations of mother and offspring detrimentally impact the “stress hormone systems …with enduring effects including depression-like behaviors in adult offspring and also in separated new mothers” (Buckley, 2015: 9).

Breastfeeding and Breast Milk

The birthmother’s breast milk is the best food for her baby as it is uniquely developed specifically for that infant human (Newnham & Milgrom, 2019).  “There is growing evidence that breastfeeding improves the brain development of infants… and can increase a baby’s brain growth by 20 to 30 percent” (Bergland, 2013: 1).  Although breast-feeding and the lack thereof is not just an adoption or relinquishment issue, this article will examine the act of breastfeeding and the benefits of breast milk in order to highlight positive developmental results that the child does not receive if a separation occurs.

Oxytocin, both a hormone and neurotransmitter, stimulates breast milk production (Moberg & Prime, 2013).  Maternal and newborn stress decreased by hormonal facilitation of initiation of breastfeeding (Buckley, 2015).  During breastfeeding prolactin levels correlate with protective “maternal adaptations including: reduced anxiety, aggression, and muscular tension; and increased social desirability (conformity), which may help mothers to prioritize infant care” (Buckley, 2015:9).

An infant’s Ventral Vagal Complex (VVC) is stimulated by interactions and controls sucking and swallowing, two actions involved in breastfeeding (Van der Kolk, 2015).  When the VVC’s functions are “stimulated in an infant, they are accompanied by a sense of pleasure and safety, which helps create the foundation for all future social behavior” (Van der Kolk, 2015: 86) and associates these actions and interactions with reward and pleasure.  Even minutes long routine separation of a birthmother and their newborn during the minutes and hours after birth such as evaluation and bathing “disrupts the babies ability to find the breast and attach” (Lothian, 2005: 44; Righard & Alade, 1990).

Development/Attachment/Bonding

Brazelton and Winnicott studied parent-infant pairs and found them to be interdependent; the newborn and mother were thought of as a unit (Brazelton & Cramer, 2018).  “Scientists believe the most important factor in creating attachment is positive physical contact… optimally (with) the mother” (Perry, 2001).  A baby knows its mothers voice and smell (Newnham & Milgrom, 2019).  This information is acknowledged as important in that it factors in a good base for bonding, attachment, and provides comfort and feelings of safety and security to the newborn (Newnham & Milgrom, 2019).  Some argue that a newborn has no “normal” or known “desirable” state, but as Brazelton demonstrated, babies will recognize and turn to their mother of origin’s voice and show preference for their mother’s breast milk.  This familiarity, currently uncategorized by modern psychoanalysis, is in itself, a regulating and safe base for the baby, and serves as a protective factor.

A number of these familiars are absent in multiple circumstances outside of the adoption context.  They can be observed briefly in cesarean section birthing practices, premature infants sent to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), surrogate circumstances, and in scenarios due to medical, cultural, unforeseen choices, procedures, or conditions.

Movement towards recognizing the importance of mother and infant bonding is evidenced by Minnesota’s new “Healthy Start Act” (HF1403/SF1315, 2021), where pregnant inmates have the ability to bond with their babies “during what is recognized as a crucial period when nurturing is particularly important for the development of children” (Gains, 2021).  Further recognition of protective factors such as familiarity between mother of origin and baby could initiate major changes in best practices across the birthing, adoption, and human rights fields.

Adoption Law

The law surrounding the revocation period given to birthing mothers considering relinquishment varies state to state from one week to 30 days (adoption.org, n.d.) although antithetical procedures still exist.  Allowing formation of a bond between mother and baby still invokes fear due to the possibility of a disrupted adoption.  A disrupted adoption is not only a tremendous loss for an adoptive family, it is also a risk to the adoption industry.

Research indicates that open adoptions serve as protective factors to both birth mothers and adoptees, where closed adoptions often prove to be risk factors for both adoptees and the birth mothers (childwelfare.gov, n.d.).  Further studies on open adoption would be instrumental in providing recommendations for best practices in adoption including adopting parental and birthing mother and father wishes surrounding the birth of the baby.

GAPS

Society often does not realize that babies are complex beings with feelings and reactions that activate systems with lifelong human repercussions. Due to this gap in understanding, it is vital that we use current information and give voice to the newborn.

 “High quality research is lacking” in the study of maternity care practices impacting oxytocin effects (Buckley, 2015).  There is a general lack of funding for studies in women’s health, birthing practices, breast milk, and long-term studies of relinquishment in adoption outcomes.  Studies currently in existence regarding adoption rely heavily on the adoptive parents second-hand information that could be missing large portions of a child’s story, or simply be inaccurate (Anthony, Paine & Shelton, 2019).

Additional studies should be conducted on breast milk, wet-nurses, surrogates, NICU infants, and birth-partner effects on the infant in order to identify promotive versus risk factors. Findings recommend that professionals involved in natal care incorporate and advocate for best practices promoting physiologic birth, immediate skin-to-skin contact between infant and biological mother, and breast-feeding.

Specific long-term studies on adoptees are needed in order to discover and support changes towards best practices.  Additional research on oxytocin’s power to wire both for positive and negative responses, and the developmental impacts of those measures could prove to be a link in understanding the overrepresentation of adopted people in substance use treatment centers.

Additional recommendations include that the “potential impact of complex trauma be considered in the deferential diagnosis of other mental health” (Murray & Sullivan, 2017: 221; Lee et. al 2015) as currently “a single disorder does not exist in the DSM-5 to adequately capture trauma’s impact on development” (Murray & Sullivan, 2017: 221; Van der Kolk, 2005). Great care must be taken to avoid pathologizing individuals who have experienced relinquishment and separation.  “Adoption-specific adjustment should be included in a comprehensive mental health assessment, even for children adopted from birth or infancy” (Murray & Sullivan, 2017: 219).  In addition, clinicians and providers should be trained in adoption-specific issues, especially if they are working with the adoptee population.

Additional Findings

Although this article originally sought to highlight benefits for the infant when allowed time and physical contact with its birth mother, findings point to undeniable long-lasting benefits  mentally and physically for both infant and mother.  Furthermore, denial of skin-to-skin and prolonged physical contact between mothers and their newborns prove to be risk factors for both parties.

Other areas where mother and child separation occur outside of the adoption context are surrogacy, cesarean section protocol, and the NICU.  Surrogacy is considered a high-risk emotional experience (Tehran, Tashi, Mehran, Eskandari, & Tehrani, 2014).  In surrogacy, after legal parenthood is set forth, the surrogate has no legal rights in relation to the child (conceivabilities.com, 2019).  As of 2019 it was illegal to contract for gestational surrogacy in four states (circlesurrogacy.com, n.d.) and in France (sciencedirect.com, n.d.).  Cesarean sections often call for early separation of newborns and their mothers “depriving (mothers) the opportunity to reduce epinephrine-norepinephrine for herself and her baby through oxytocin elevations with skin-to-skin contact and mutual interactions” (Buckley, 2015: 8).  “Separation of mothers and their healthy newborns, which typically follows cesarean section, may also impact postpartum maternal prolactin levels” (Buckley, 2015: 9).  There is a growing body of understanding regarding the importance of bonding and attachment while an infant is in the NICU (Newnham & Milgrom, 2019).  An important aspect of NICU bonding includes acknowledgement of infant recognition of parental voice and smell (Newnham & Milgrom, 2019) leading to soothing and regulation in all parties.  This knowledge could be further expanded upon in exploring the beneficial aspects of familiarity and comfort provided by birth mothers and fathers.

Social Contract

Are people living up to the social contract created by the intervention of human adoption? It is common knowledge that prior to the adoption of puppies, they must spend 8-10 weeks with their mother.  Removing a puppy prior to this 8-10 week period creates canines that are prone to nervousness and a “tendency to bark and bite.  They are also less likely to accept discipline and may be aggressive to other dogs” (Faricelli, 2019).  Is the widely accepted practice of human infants separation from their mothers a fair social contract for the baby and all parties involved?  It is ethically expected that all beings enter the world with equal opportunities, but if one enters the world with no opportunity to interact with his/her/their familiar secure base from which to explore and learn and grow, the removed child has unfair expectations placed upon them; their “normal” is in fact atypical.

Recommendations

Formal education on childbirth is still a relatively new concept (Hutchinson, 2015).  The information presented in this article should be shared with professionals who work with natal facilities, adoption services, and social workers.  The information should also be shared with pregnant women as a form of protective psychoeducation, so they are more informed of the benefits of prolonged contact with their infants for both themselves and their babies.  This empowering information allows room for educated decisions about post birth procedures.

It is recommended that mothers hold their “babies in skin-to-skin immediately after birth and remain with them in the first hours and days after birth” (Lothian, 2005: 45).  The absence of birthing mother and infant interactions that induce chemical network-forming pathways affecting brain development, attachment, regulation, and sensory integration should be viewed as an early life stressor and developmental trauma exposure that are currently not taken into consideration by mental health and medical fields.

As discussed above, impairment and interference with fetal neuroprotective systems affects the long-term programming of babies hormonal systems.  Disruptions to attachment, reward, and regulation and even infant survival can be related to brain functioning in early life. One hope in these findings is the fact that ongoing neurobiological maturation creates continuing opportunities for recovery (Perry, 2001), and it is recommended that the mental health profession take into account developmental trauma by including relinquishment, adoption, and foster care in the ACES, and by including developmental trauma in the DSM-5.

Policy & Practice Implications

Large-scale implications from changed global perception and recognition of early relinquishment as a form of trauma include the potential to affect multiple areas of policy and practice.  Changes may include updates to adoption reform, pre and post adoption practices, adoption laws, women’s health, birthing procedures, funding for research, original birth certificate access, assessment measures, practitioner training, and diagnosis.  Recognition and wider awareness will benefit adoptees, families, practitioners, professionals, and the global community at large.  Understanding the benefits of open adoption may lead to greater access to original birth certificates and a variety of unique family dynamics.  The training and creation of an adoption-informed provider workforce will offer better-informed and attuned mental health services for this marginalized population.  It is recommended that voices from the adoptee population are included in creating these methods.

Acknowledging separation consequences will inform pre and post adoption treatment, pre-adoptive considerations, clinicians, and professionals working with the adoption populations, and allow for critically needed policy changes.  Economical and emotional support for multiple adoptee challenges currently unaddressed by medical health insurance companies, workplaces, and other systemic structures may occur in our country and abroad.

Conclusion

Contrary to conventional beliefs and attitudes that an infant will not remember or be affected by early life experiences, this article finds that keeping a birthing mother and her newborn baby together with physical contact serves as a protective factor against developmental and behavioral issues (Lothian, 2005).  Early relinquishment should be acknowledged as a developmental trauma exposure that may lead to multiple behavioral and social issues that are currently not associated with early life mother and infant separation.  Consequence of this finding could have wide ranging effects on public and professional perception, treatment, and policy.

By giving voice to the infant, we become cognizant that “the first year of life is a time of significant risk for victimization” (Hambrick et al., 2019: 9; Turner et al., 2006) with long lasting consequences.  Through investigation of best circumstances surrounding birthing practices and relinquishment, the benefits of biological mother and child contact are explicitly underappreciated, understudied, and prove vastly beneficial for both the mother and her infant. Recognizing early relinquishment as developmental trauma is radical and immense, yet this knowledge gives us the power and opportunity to facilitate the creation of neurologically more-typical, and ultimately happier humans.

References

Anthony, R.E., Paine, A.L., & Shelton, K.H., (2019). Adverse childhood experiences of children adopted from care: The importance of adoptive parental warmth for future child adjustment. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 16(2212).

Bergland, C. (June 8, 2013). Breastfeeding Boosts the Brain Development of a Baby. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-athletes-way/201306/breastfeeding-boosts-the-brain-development-baby

Blackmun, H. A. & Supreme Court Of The United States. (1972-3). U.S. Reports: Roe v. Wade, 410 U.S. 113. [Periodical] Retrieved from the Library of Congress, https://www.loc.gov/item/usrep410113/.

Brazelton, B. & Cramer, B.G. (2018).  The earliest relationship: parents, infants, and the drama of early attachment. New York, NY: Routledge.

Buckley, S. J. (2015).  Executive summary of hormonal physiology of childbearing: Evidence and implications for women, babies, and maternity care. The Journal of Perinatal Education, 24(3), 145-153.

Fessler, A. (2006). The girls who went away: the hidden history of women who surrendered children for adoption in the decades before Roe v. Wade. London, England: Penguin Press.

Faricelli, A. (July 18, 2019). Risk of removing puppies too early from mother and litter mates. PetHelpful.com. Retrieved from https://pethelpful.com/dogs/Risks-of-Removing-Puppies-too-Early-from-Mother-and-Litter-Mates.

Finn, K., Silverstein K., & Bodie, H. (2019). Placing Home (Piven Lab Series). Chicago: Piven Theater.

Gains, P. (2021, Aug. 4).  One state is trying to make pregnancy in prison slightly more bearable.  NBC. Retrieved from https://www.nbcnews.com/news/nbcblk/one-state-trying-make-pregnancy-prison-slightly-bearable-rcna1578

Gordon, K. (2013). Eight ways dad-to-be can bond with baby now. Parents.com & Meredith Corporation. Retrieved from https://www.parents.com/parenting/dads/101/ways-dad-to-be-can-bond-with-baby-now/ .

Grotevant, H. D., McRoy, R. G., Wrobel, G. M., & Ayers-Lopez, S. (2013). Contact Between Adoptive and Birth Families: Perspectives from the Minnesota Texas Adoption Research Project. Child development perspectives, 7(3), 193–198. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdep.12039

Hambrick, E.P., Brawner, T.W., & Perry, B. D. (2019). Timing of early-life stress and the development of brain-related capacities.  Ed: Hunter, R. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience. 13:183. doi: 10.3389/fnbeh.2019.00183.

Hutchison, E. (2015).  Dimensions of human behavior – the changing life course (5^th ed.). Los Angeles, NY: SAGE Publications, Inc.

LifeWorksCommunity. (2015, Feb. 24). Adoption and addiction: remembered not recalled – a lecture by Paul Sunderland [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3e0-SsmOUJI

Lothian, J. (2005).  The Birth of a Breastfeeding Baby and Mother. Journal of Perinatal Education, 14(1): 42-45.

Murray, K.J., & Sullivan, K.M. (2017). Using clinical assessment to enhance adoption success. The Journal of Contemporary Social Services, 98(3), 217-224.

Moberg, K. U., & Prime, D. K. (2013).  Oxytocin effects in mothers and infants during breastfeeding. Infant, 9(6), 201-206.

Newnham, C. & Milgrom, J. (July 31, 2019). Bonding with your premature baby in the NICU. University of Melbourne and Parent-Infant Research Institute. Retrieved from https://raisingchildren.net.au/newborns/premature-babies/connecting-communicating/bonding-in-the-nicu.

Northwestern University. (July 22, 2013). ‘Love hormone’ is two-faced: Oxytocin strengthens bad memories and can increase fear and anxiety. ScienceDaily. Retrieved from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/07/130722123206.htm.

Perry, B. D. (2001).  Bonding and attachment in maltreated children: consequences of emotional neglect in childhood. ChildTrauma Academy. Retrieved from www.ChildTrauma.org.

Perry, B.D., Hambrick, E.P., & Perry, R.D.  (2014).  Clinical challenges following intercountry and transracial adoptions: a neurological perspective – Pre-Final Draft. Fong, R., McCoy, R. (Eds.) New York NY: Columbia University Press.

Sunderland, P. (Aug. 1, 2019).  Relinquishment and Adoption: Understanding the Impact of an Early Psychological Wound.  iCADD. Retrieved from https://www.icaad.com/blog/relinquishment-and-adoption-understanding-the-impact-of-an-early-psychological-wound.

Tehran, H. A., Tashi, S., Mehran, N., Eskandari, N., & Tehrani, T. D.  (July, 2014).  Emotional experiences in surrogate mothers: A qualitative study. Iran Journal of Reproductive Medicine, 12(7), 471-480.

Van der Kolk, B. (2015). The body keeps the score: brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin Books: NY, NY.

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Whether intended as jest or otherwise, snarky quips prodding anti-abortion advocates to foster or adopt as a test of their “pro-life” commitment are misguided and uninformed. This irresponsible argument demonstrates a striking lack of sympathy for the children they would see placed in such dangerous hands and a fundamental misunderstanding about the adoption and foster care systems.

Three of the conservative Supreme Court justices who voted to uphold Mississippi’s abortion ban are adoptive parents. Many people who prayed for the end of legalized abortion are the same ones carrying the “We will adopt your baby” posters. The practice of adoption goes hand in hand with colonialism and White Supremacy or saviorism—undergirded by the belief that parents of color are less qualified or deserving of a chance to raise their children.

It feels like a betrayal. The irony of pro-choice advocates proposing an increase in adoption, a process by which adoptees are stripped of their family connections, history, culture, language… even our names, is not lost on me. I wonder what people so concerned about choice and agency would do without access to their original birth certificates? Or the identity of their biological family members?

Pro-choice adoptees, like myself, often come to this position because we understand—more than most—what it truly means not to have autonomy in the course of your future. We live with the consequences of others’ decisions.

When the “domestic infant supply” language in a leaked Supreme Court decision draft sent shockwaves through Twitter, adoptees (who have been commodified and objectified since day one) were far from surprised.

After all, we’ve watched adoptive parents complain in Facebook groups about our expensive cost. Exclaimed in horror as a fellow adoptee was re-homed by influencers who exploited his story for monetary gain. Declined invitations to adoption fundraisers created by hopeful adoptive parents who would rather collect money to separate a family rather than donate to preserve one.

We’ve seen the writing on the wall and have been shouting into an abyss hoping someone outside our adoptee community would notice and care. But no one listens to props.

Adoptees are often infantilized. We are relegated to a perpetual childlike state, perhaps resulting from the paternalistic narrative of adoption. We are voiceless, visible only when our appearance benefits someone’s political agenda or savior complex. Our pleas are ignored like the cries that emanated from our bodies as babies torn from the arms of our birth mothers.

Maybe if adoptee-written tweets had the online virality of these “funny” #WeWillAdoptYourBaby memes, our lived experiences could have weakened the arguments of anti-abortion advocates and their performative campaigns to save all the “unwanted” children. Adoptees could tell you (have been telling you) that we are four times more likely to attempt suicide than non-adopted people; a powerful statistic to share with people who claim to be “pro-life.”

But in all the talk (and tweets) conflating adoption and abortion, very few have bothered to ask for our opinion. Those of us who do share our pro-choice views are met with responses asking if we would rather have been aborted or stuck in an orphanage. There tends to be an assumption that somehow our identity as adoptees supersedes our autonomy or that an expectation of gratitude should outweigh our humanity. Yes, I was adopted. I am also a woman of child-bearing age who vehemently believes in the right to choose.

Adoptee voices matter, and they could help dismantle a broken system. Please spend time listening to our experiences and learning more about the history of the adoption industrial complex, family separation, and lifelong adoptee trauma. Read between the memes, and you will find our stories.

On the surface of it, this ideology might seem like it could work. If everyone is seen as equal, how could there be racism? But the reality is racism happens every day, and this belief not only dismisses all BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and People of Colour) lived experiences but also implies racism does not exist as long we ignore it.

I will share one of my experiences with racism and show how colour blindness led to poor racism awareness, inaction against racism, and mental health struggles.

Playing hockey in Newfoundland & Labrador often involved long bus rides to connect with the opposing teams. During these long hours on the bus, I was often confronted with the harshest and most relentless hate.

I was 12 years old, on route to a hockey tournament aboard a bus filled with teammates, coaches, and parents. It is no secret that kids tease one another, but from a young age, I knew there was something different about the “teasing” I received.

On this road trip, everyone was intrigued by PictoChat, a Nintendo DS digital communication app that allows users to connect by text and drawing.

At one point, I remember hearing someone begin to laugh. Eventually, the laughter spread to most of my peers and evolved into a roar. I thought, “why is everyone laughing?” When I looked around, I saw everyone’s eyes staring at their DSs and bursting out in laughter.

Naturally, I proceeded to find out what everyone was laughing at…

They were laughing at me.

The kids had been taking turns drawing racist pictures of me. I sat there scrolling through each drawing and message I had missed. I remember the grins on their faces and their eagerness to “one-up” the previous racist picture. I can remember them staring at me to see how I would react. Over a decade later, I can still feel the overwhelming emotions of humiliation, shame, and helplessness from that moment.

As the intensity of racist drawings and hate-filled laughter continued, my emotions became too much to handle, and I began to break down.

My tears began to flow, my body began to shake, and my speech was incomprehensible. My emotions and thoughts began to spiral. Why are they targetting me? Why is being Asian such a joke? There is nothing I can do about how I look.

Being Vietnamese sucks, I wish I looked like everyone else!

In a last-ditch effort for support, I jumped out of my seat and moved to the front of the bus, near all the adults. As I sat there weeping, I could still hear their hateful laughs coming from the back. At this moment, I remember thinking to myself,
is anyone going to do anything?

In the end, nothing was done.

When the dust had settled, and my tears had dried up, one of my peers approached me and said,
“I don’t know why you take everything to heart.”

These terrible experiences had tremendous impacts on my mental health. Situations like these contributed to my struggles with anxiety, self-esteem, confidence, and internalized racism (future blog post). It is important to understand that my experience and struggles are NOT isolated but shared by many.

Writing this story today, I am certain that any of the adults present at the time would have done something if they were aware of it. But the reality is they were not aware of it, and nothing was done. Unless we are willing to challenge our blindness, situations like mine will continue to be missed.

My story shows how colour blindness led to a lack of awareness, where teasing and racism were indistinguishable, and antiracist actions seemed unnecessary.

By refusing to see colour and not acknowledging BIPOC lived experiences, situations like mine will continue to happen.

Takeaway messages
• Colour blindness ideologies lead to a lack of awareness of racism and, ultimately, a lack of actions against racism.
• Experiences like my own happen every day. But challenging our “blindness” can help detect and reduce the occurrence of these harmful experiences.

Almond Shaped Eyes.
That’s what my adoptive mother said
as we stood in front of the Clinique makeup counter.
“Let’s enhance the curve of them,” said the sales associate
with eyes NOT shaped like
Mine.

Wonky Eyes.
That’s what I told myself when I looked in the mirror.
Easily pointing out their imperfections,
my right eye more folded than my left.
Who would want eyes like
Mine?

Beautiful Eyes.
That’s what I see now when I behold
the eyes of my son.
Eyes shaped and colored
exactly like
Mine.

The documentary takes us back in time to the late ‘90s and early 2000s when a dying brand—originally founded as an outdoor retailer selling to the likes of Teddy Roosevelt and Ernest Hemingway—was resurrected to become a pop culture phenomenon among teens and college students. Interviews with former employees bring to light the dark side of the company’s exclusionary hiring practices and its culture of white affluence and chiseled torsos.

As an elder millennial, I was in middle school in the late ‘90s and early 2000s—peak Abercrombie mania. I grew up in a predominately white, middle to upper-middle-class suburb of Saint Paul, Minnesota. Although we weren’t the preppy East Coast target audience the brand was built on, there were plenty of well-to-do kids at my school dripping in the Abercrombie aesthetic. 

Unlike the majority-white community I grew up in, I’m Latina. I was born in Chile and adopted as an infant. I was raised in a family of four which included my mom, who I’m pretty sure inspired by the song Independent Women by Destiny’s Child, my younger sister, a kind-yet-feisty Scorpio who was adopted from Peru, and my grandma, the daughter of Swedish immigrants with a no-nonsense attitude and heart of gold. Our multigenerational, multiracial, all-female household was in every way outside the family norms of my peers and the community I lived in.

As an adult, I am so appreciative of the family I grew up in and how it shaped my worldview, but as a kid, I just wanted to fit in. And one way of fitting in was to wear the “right” clothes. As I went from elementary to middle school, something started brewing inside me—and it wasn’t just hormones. I began to recognize that what you wore might have a connection to who you identify with, and what group you’re a part of. 

Sixth grade ushered in an era of big change for me. A change in school. A change in hairstyle (full disclosure: my short crop was supposed to make me look like Monica from Friends, but I just ended up looking like a soccer mom). And a change in my anxiety levels.

I was always a nervous kid, but middle school was the woooorst (please imagine Jean Ralphio from Parks and Recreation singing that into your ear). I realize that it’s not an earth-shattering revelation to say that I, as an adolescent girl, felt insecure, socially anxious, and hyper-aware of what I looked like and how I fit in, but I was also a transracial adoptee and person of color in a mostly white space being raised by a single parent and a grandparent, and my otherness was starting to become more evident to me. 

Instead of thinking about my unique identity as something to honor and celebrate (that would happen years later in therapy), any sign of difference just made me want to double down on fitting in. 

Watching White Hot, which included footage of ‘90s mall culture and teens waiting in long lines to get the newest logo-emblazoned tee, I was transported to my sixth-grade self and all the feelings that came along with her. The documentary opens with the song My Own Worst Enemy by Lit with cut-out photo collages reminiscent of Bop Magazine that brought back memories of yearbooks, scrapbooks, and locker decor.

I remembered the feeling of walking nervously down crowded hallways studying in precise detail everything going on around me, making constant calculations about the ways I was the same and the ways I was different. 

I can still see one of the “cool” girls who seemingly had it all going for her—I’ll call her “Ashley” because 50% of my graduating class was named Ashely. Early in the school year, I remember Ashley floating through the hallways dressed in yet another cool-girl ‘fit that was straight out of A&F Quarterly: Doc Marten brown leather oxfords with white crew socks (pulled up to her mid-calf), khaki shorts, a white tank top with navy piping that had the words “Abercrombie & Fitch” printed across the chest, and a flannel shirt tied casually around her waist.

Girl was a living and breathing symbol of everything Abercrombie and American culture at large was telling me I should be, and I neeeeeeded it. I needed it like I needed to start shaving my legs. It was a matter of social survival.

Her whole vibe was, I’m blonde, I’m effortless, and I talk to boys with ease. I’m on the traveling basketball team and never have I ever been asked where I’m really from. 

She was Abercrombie & Fitch, and by comparison, I sooooo was not. My vibe was more, I’m the quiet girl from Chile with round glasses who likes boys but won’t date a boy until college. I don’t play any sports, but I do play in orchestra.

The chasm of difference between us didn’t stop me from believing that if I could just get the clothes, then I too could fit into the “all-American” (white) archetype Abercrombie was selling.

Although I wanted the clothes, obtaining them wasn’t so easy. My mom, like most moms, thought the store was overpriced nonsense, but I’d still drag her to the mall in the hopes that she’d change her mind and give in. She’d let me go in the store to look around while she sat on a bench trying not to pass out from the overwhelming stench of bro (A&F’s signature scent). 

After watching the documentary and getting a behind-the-scenes look at a deeply discriminatory company, I felt like someone had just sprayed A&F cologne directly into my mouth. AKA: it left a bad taste. I felt gross, used even. After all, I was Latina growing up in a white world, begging my mom to spend her hard-earned money and support a company that was in no way supporting a kid like me. 

White Hot is a fascinating—if not horrifying—look into a brand that in its heyday sold openly racist graphic tees to the masses and was so drunk on power that one A&F merchandiser recalled, “in the first week that I worked at Abercrombie and Fitch the HR rep talked about how you could write ‘Abercrombie and Fitch’ with dogshit and put it on a baseball hat and sell it for forty bucks.” LOL. Capitalism!

The only thing I know for sure after spending 90 minutes time-traveling back to adolescent memories riddled with insecurity and anxiety is that my mom, our moms, were right. Abercrombie & Fitch was loud, obnoxious, and as it turns out, not cool at all.

No matter who you are, growing up will always be hard. If you, like me, have intersecting and converging identities that you’re still trying to unpack as an adult woman in her 30s, it will come with some additional challenges. 

I’m hopeful for the future though. Thanks to a changing culture, discriminatory brands can be called out and shut down with a single TikTok from members of the most diverse generation yet. We still have a long way to go, but I’m glad to see that this brand of exclusion is finally going out of style.

Years of paperwork and persistence later, my parents finally got the ok and travelled across the world to pick up the newest member of the Jones family. After 36 hours of travelling, they arrived at the orphanage in northern Vietnam to pick me up. When asking my parents decades later about the experience, they speak about how I was a happy 6-month-old baby, how I ate a weeks’ worth of baby food in a few days, and how I was the biggest baby at the orphanage. My parents’ memories are ones that I cherish and hold on to because they help me piece together parts of the story of my life in its first year.

One question I often receive is, “when did you know you were adopted?” and I respond by explaining that I have known I was adopted from as early as I can remember. My mother always told me I was adopted because my birth parents could not properly care for me. Even now, as an adult, I find it difficult to put into words the emotions that come with being an adoptee. You are pulled in all directions; as an adoptee, I do feel sad to think my biological parents put me up for adoption, but at the same time, I am grateful for my amazing and loving family.

As soon as I landed at that airport in rural Québec, I was welcomed with an abundance of pure love. I know this is because my family recorded every minute of it. For me, this home video symbolizes my official birth to the Jones family. In the movie, you can see a packed room of my extended family and friends, all tensely waiting in anticipation for the newest member of the family to arrive. We then see the aircraft land, and people begin to disembark. Finally, the moment everyone had been waiting for, my parents walk off the plane holding me, and the crowd begins to cheer. When I entered through the terminal doors, a wave of joy and happiness erupts in the crowd and a plethora of celebratory hugs and kisses ensue.

I was accepted and loved by my family from day one, and I am forever grateful for this. Like anything else, there are always challenges. As an adoptee, you always live with unanswered questions that you simply can’t ignore. Where are my birth parents now? Do I have any biological siblings? What is my family medical history? Do I look like my biological family? How would I feel when or if I meet my birth parents? As you can imagine, having these questions left unanswered for your entire life can be a heavy burden.

Though I was/am loved and supported by my family every day, there were many times during my childhood when the racial-based teasing became too much to handle, and I would break down. It was during these challenging moments that I felt most alone because even though I had a strong support system, they could not fully understand what I was going through. Today, I continue to be perplexed by how I can be surrounded by so much love but continue to feel alone, but this is something I am continuously working through.

Being adopted is something that I am eternally grateful for. I am blessed with my vibrant family of 8, which consists of my brother, four sisters, and my parents. Additionally, I can’t forget to mention my loving extended family of grandparents, godparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Adoption has given me everything (family, opportunity, health, education, friendships, etc.), and if I had my time back, I would not change one thing.

Thank you for reading my story and stay tuned for more adoption-related posts,

Your Friend Miguel.