Something that isn’t talked about frequently enough, in my opinion, is the fact that high levels of success are almost always preceded by a string of failures. And failure, particularly in the perception of those around us, is a very scary prospect for many human beings.

It makes me wonder: if you have someone who loves you no matter what, and believes in you no matter what, is it easier to fail?

There are, of course, those who fall on the exact opposite end of the spectrum. They had absolutely no support and no love from the parental figures in their lives. And, in an odd way, I think it had a similar effect. There was no one to disappoint. There was no love to be taken away or withheld in the face of failure. No silent treatment. No avoidance of eye contact. (Just me?)

But, for many of us, we had a lot of lukewarm support. Parents who loved us sometimes but also were very critical and withheld that love at other times. One parent who was very loving and supportive, and another who was pretty narcissistic and exhibited the strangest, unpredictably erratic behavior. And we often ended up in similar romantic partnerships later on; those where the behavior was erratic, and the love and support were used as a tool of manipulation. (Which could also be because we came to believe that this is what love looked like, but that’s another article.) Did this perhaps train us to believe that we only received love when we were perceptively successful? And, therefore, create in us a terror that any form of visible failure would lead to love being taken away?

Most things I find come back to love and money. And money is really just paper, so when I say money, I’m referring more to the security it provides. But I also believe that an unconditional love, an attitude from a partner or a parent of “we can figure this out no matter what, I believe in you,” can substitute for that same security that money itself provides. Which is perhaps why success seems to come more easily to those who believe they have it?

What would life be like if we all truly believed we would be loved no matter what? Would we all be wildly successful beyond our wildest dreams?

I think we might.

I remember growing up and constantly hearing the phrase “boys will be boys.” As if everything that a boy did was somehow excusable because, well, he’s a boy. And boys will be boys. But, what does that phrase even mean? You never hear anyone say “girls will be girls.” You sometimes hear “girls just want to have fun,” but even that has a stigma attached to it that has never been attached to a boy.

And I get it. The anger we are seeing from men right now in western culture. It has to be such a bitch. To be told your entire life that nothing you do is your fault and your mother will center you, and baby you, and pamper you from the time you’re a child until you are grown up enough for her to pass the reigns of taking care of you on to another woman who will also center you, and baby you, and pamper you. I mean, look at what is happening right now in the United States. Babies. Babies running the country. Babies who seem to think they are entirely unaccountable for their actions.

And, the competition and resentment we consistently see between women is a direct result of the fact that it can’t be the man’s fault. Because it never has been. So it has to be the other woman’s fault. Or his mother’s fault. Or his wife’s fault. Because you’re not going to get any accountability from the man, so you have to look to the women around him to place the blame. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that my own mother’s relationship with my father’s mother improved dramatically after they were divorced. I’m pretty positive that any issue that my grandmother raised to my father was immediately shifted to my mother. That’s the thing about the patriarchy; it not only holds men blameless for their own actions, it also encourages the competition and the blame from woman to woman. If you look at history, even priests have excused horrendous actions taken by men by simply saying, “It’s not your fault. She tempted you.” I mean, really think about that for a second. This is, by their own account, and agent of God “himself” literally excusing violent and vile actions. So whose fault is it? Who should we look to to point the finger? Men? Religion?

You know whose fault I think all of it is? Eve. It all goes back to that fucking apple. I’m saying this tongue in cheek, because I don’t even believe Eve existed. But, really, it’s all of us. Women shouldn’t allow themselves to participate in the Patriarchy. Men shouldn’t allow themselves to participate in the patriarchy. All easier said than done, of course. Especially when the beliefs and stories of Religion are so incredibly pervasive in society. So, maybe as we evolve, it would probably be appropriate for the mythological stories that we base society on to evolve with us. I can’t help but wonder in all my years of Sunday school why no one ever said the words, “And Adam CHOSE to eat the apple.”

I am very attracted to both. I mean, the whole world agrees how hot women are. And men have those incredibly bodies that can just pick you up right off of the floor. Also, both the attention of men and the attention of women feel great, in their own ways. So, I’ve thought a lot about this, and the only conclusion I have come to is- it’s the entitlement.

There’s this entitlement that men have that has always really driven me nuts. When I’m with a woman, there is no feeling of her being entitled to my body – or any part of me, for that matter. There’s this energetic respect that just exists. She knows that it’s my choice, and I know that it’s her choice, and we both know that either of our choices could change at any moment, and that’s completely okay.

I don’t feel that way when I’m with men. I feel that, somehow, just in their general demeanor; seemingly, to them, just by their mere existence, they feel entitled to a piece of me, and it’s not, in fact, my decision, but just their right. Like somehow they earned it because they said something nice a few minutes ago, or they held the door open. It’s like everything they do is in an effort to show you that they have earned that right. To you. To your body. And I don’t believe that anyone has the right to another person or being – I don’t care who you are.

You can see that entitlement spread across their face in a smile or a smirk, and the moment that they don’t get what they feel that they deserve, or what they feel they are entitled to, their whole demeanor shifts – their language their energy – it’s angry. And the ones that don’t get angry, they just seem confused by your denial. Like they don’t understand. Like they can’t fathom how you could possibly deny them this access that they so clearly deserve and have shown you they have earned. Even if you do have sex with them, it feels like there is this shift at some point where I am not sure if I even need to be there. Like, a couple of couch cushions would suffice.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s a part of me that’s somewhat jealous of this unapologetic way of taking up space in the world. But, ultimately, I’m glad I don’t have it. I’m glad that I don’t feel entitled to other people’s time or bodies or energy. My personal experience, and that’s all I can ever really speak to, is that with women this entitlement doesn’t exist. And to be sure, with some men it doesn’t either. And those men are gems – complete and total gentlemen deserving of everything the world has to offer. But, it’s rampant with men as a species. With women, it’s almost always reciprocal and respectful energy. It’s just this communion of shared energy that is somehow consensual by nature. And I think that even of reciprocal respect is pretty important in creating any form of partnership.