You still don’t

You were never a mom to me
In the way that we think of moms
But you were my home

You fed me
You sheltered me
You clothed me with your body

I was vulnerably yours
But your heart never belonged to me

I want to come home
I want to sit in my favorite chair
Your lap
I want to wrap a blanket around my shoulders
Your arms
I want to feel the warmth radiating from the fireplace
Your love
I want to feel the comfort of reading a book and having it be
Your story
Though so many of the pages will not be
Our story
The words of the first page will pull me back home
Where I will feel safe again

My fingers may never be the ballerinas dancing the lines of your hand
Skimming the surface
Gliding along the grooves
Moving as if they’ve known the way for an eternity

We will watch my dancers whirling, twirling, unfurling
Until they spin together with yours
Lacing and embracing
The finale to the perfect performance

Then I’ll discover that the freckle on my finger is in the same place as yours
That our eyes are the same mocha hue
That you replicate my timbre as you laugh
That it bursts from lips that are an identical valentine
And when they say, “I love you,”
My soul comes home to you

I want to gaze upon your thick hair
Cascades of yarn unraveling
I’ll comb shallow furrows with my fingers
Spoon trails through chocolate frosting
So decadent to eat chocolate with a spoon
So lovingly indulgent to touch your luscious hair
And to feel it whispering through my fingers
Pirouetting across my cheeks

We missed those sacred baby moments
So close I can smell you
So close I can feel your breath on my face
So close that your warmth pulses through my body
My heart matching your rhythm
Melting back together
Folding into your curves
Flour into batter
Disappearing into you
Because I was once a part of your body

You are still haunting my body
Your feeling is visceral
You’re the blood that courses through my veins
You’re the match that singes my skin
You’re the knife that cuts me to the core
You’re the apocalyptic scream that emanates from the deepest part of my soul

Crumbling my whole being
You can brush all the crumbs of a cookie together
But it will never be whole again
Broken in half
It can still be enjoyed
But scattered crumbs are not desirable
And yet I ask you to devour me
As you would the most delicious dish
That fills your soul
And reminds you of home
The food your mom cooked

I have traveled so far
I have been away so long
I have waited to be swaddled in your love

I want to come home
I miss my home
You are my home
And I have lost my way back to you